Recalculating

I’ve been writing blog post after blog post in my head these last few weeks at random parts of the day. Sometimes they come when I’m sleeping other times when I’m at the gym. I’m sure I’ll never capture ALL that’s been in my heart since it’s taken me so long to get back to it, but I’ll give it a whirl.

To say that life has been just dandy for us after returning from Africa would not be accurate. I really think that people talk very little about how they are REALLY doing and instead smile give the standard “we’re doing great” when asked and move on about their day wondering when the chaos and emotional roller coaster will end.

I really thought that the waiting period of the adoption was the hardest (and I still believe that to be true). It’s so hard to wait day after day for a phone call, an email, some hope that you can piece together yourself a clue into how your child is doing half way around the world. There is no other way to keep your heart still and quiet without the support of others. I can say with gratefulness that I was so encouraged by the adoption community that God blessed me with through our agency and others in our area. They understood my anxiety and the pain of waiting and embraced me with love and mucho prayers!

I guess in my heart I thought that once the missing piece to our family puzzle arrived home (aka Evy) that all would fit together so nicely. Don’t get me wrong, it was a huge relief to have all of the waiting over. I’m not good at waiting. As Carlos says, “there’s always the next thing.” Hmm, thanks for the positivity honey. Really, he’s right. We’re never completely satisfied, whole, content, etc. because there’s only ONE that can fill that hole anyway, right? And, it wasn’t intended to be wrapped up with a nice big red bow this side of Heaven. So, how do I find peace now?

That’s a million dollar question and one I don’t have the answer to. I’ve had to face this head on these last few weeks as we transitioned home. Our lovely family of 4 quickly became a lovely house of utter CHAOS. Evy has adjusted beautifully to our family with the exception of some serious screaming that makes my hair turn gray. Ean has been the one with many outward signs of stress. He started stuttering after we arrived home literally breaking my heart as I knew it was anxiety driven. He has pulled, pushed, hit, and bitten his sweet new sister more times than I can count. I have to admit, I wondered, “What did we get ourselves into?”

This morning I was reminded….as I saw Ean greet his sister after getting out of bed with a huge kiss and hug. Ahh, I’m starting to breathe a sigh of relief now. I’m starting to see that I didn’t ruin either of their lives and that indeed our Lord has a plan for ALL of us. Ahhhh….

So, that leaves me with our job situation. I am working part-time and loving it. I am so blessed with a job that allows me flexibility to follow my “mommy” heart. Some days I wonder if working isn’t easier (I do believe it is) but nonetheless it’s a really great balance for me. But, Carlos is still looking for work so we’ll see where the Lord leads us. He has been so faithful to us, and honestly, we needed to spend all of the time we’ve had these last few weeks building a foundation in our new family mix….both mommy and daddy and a few family members.

I’m pretty amazed at the architecture of relationships with family and friends He’s building around us to help us raise our kids. I’ve prayed for a long time for it, and now I’m seeing His hand at work. From my amazing mom and all of her support to my aunt and other members of our faith community really stepping up to help support us….I have no doubts that what feels like a “recalculation” is really the way it was always intended.

God is good.