The Father's Gift

I can still remember the first time I received a gift from my dad. I was 18. Sure, I received birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and everything in between from the moment I was born - but I don't recall that they were specifically from my dad.

When I was 18, a life changing event occurred. My parents divorced. I knew my parents didn't have a close relationship, but I was still in shock when it happened. After some time, I moved in with my dad which was a really big deal. See, my dad and I were not close. Really, he was a stranger to me in so many ways but circumstances put us together, and I will forever be grateful. One Valentine's Day, I walked into my room and discovered the most beautiful simple rose in a glass vase with a note from my dad that said, "I love you." It wasn't extravagant but it was from my father.

The truth is that there is something amazingly deep that connects you to gifts from the Father. I was reminded of this when I observed my five year old this week. You see, his dad gave him an old watch of his. It is a gigantic man's watch that nearly swallows his wrist, but to my son it is one of his most prized possessions. He sleeps in it. He wears it to school proudly. He even wants to take a bath in it since dad told him it was waterproof. I, of course, thought it looked odd and encouraged him to take it off so we could find something more his size. Until I realized that the watch meant way more to my son not because of it's size or loud alarms but because he loves to tell everyone "Daddy gave it to me."

My husband and I now realize the power of the watch so we are strategically thinking about things we want him to do and how to leverage daddy's new powers. Until, Carlos gave him one of his Bibles. Our son will not part with the Bible. He carries it all around the house so proudly. He woke me this morning in the dark carrying his Bible asking if I would read him a story. Now let's face it, the Bible is not Curious George so initially I struggled with how to make it engaging when he flipped to a random page, but little did I know that God is not random as he turned and selected pages with stories so relevant not just for my son but for me...from Daniel's faith in God as he was being thrown into the lion's den to His power to create everything in this world. Finally, He got my attention.

God is after our hearts. He is stirring in my son's heart a deep desire and love for His word, and He is gently reminding me that He is the giver of all good things. You see, we have been through an extremely difficult few years as a family and just a few days ago I felt like I could go no farther. I felt like Job, you have taken so much from me Lord, just take me too because this is more difficult than what I can handle. Then, He uses my son to remind me that He only requests that we approach Him with the faith of a child and that nothing in this world that compares to the gifts that the Father gives to us.

What's in a Song?

I have always loved music, but I didn't realize how much so until I had children. When I was pregnant with Ean, I would listen to music and he would literally start kicking my tummy rapidly. I had always heard that babies would respond to music when you're pregnant, but little did I know that my little guy was likely keeping a beat before he was born.

I can't seem to get him to stop beating. Beating his spoon on his bowl, banging the floor with toys, tapping his hands on the car seat. . . you name it, he will tap it! I've found it really frustrating at times - especially when we're trying to eat dinner. Ugh! I have to admit that if you can hear yourself think between the beating of the drum and if you listen very intently - you can hear a sweet boy's heart of worship. I often hear Ean praying before each song he plays giving praise to God and offering Him his song. That, is truly the sweetest sound to this mommy's ears!

Today, God gave me new insights to the unstoppable beat in my son. It's the rhythm of God's heart in Him. You see, Ean was born for music. He sings, plays drums, guitar, and piano. It is just in him. The other day he was tapping out rhythms on his tummy and asking me to guess the song. I was surprised that I recognized most of them, then I realized we have this amazing connection through music. It's sort of like an invisible thread that bonds us together.

A few years ago, I flipped the radio over and heard a station called Klove. They were challenging listeners to only listen to Christian music for one month and see if there is a difference in their life. It was so impactful to me. I found that my heart and mind were more focused on God, and I was filled with a deep sense of worship when I was in my car. Now that I have kids, they too have a deep love for worship music.

When a song comes on the radio, Ean and Evy will announce "It's my song Mommy, please turn it up!" and we worship together driving down the road. Our worship often includes clapping, raising our hands (of course not for me when I'm driving), and lots of laughing. I can just imagine the heart of our Father in Heaven looking down on my kids with such delight when they worship Him. With Evy's broken sentences and Ean's interpretation of the songs, they really do sing with all of their hearts.

I listened to them today driving down the road and my heart was so full. All I could do was smile. I think God looks at our simple acts of worship and it delights Him.

So, I look at music differently now. I am more accepting of all of Ean's bangs to the beat because I know that it is his expression of worship and his very own conversation with God.

It's the heart that's really what is in a song.

Remembering

I've spent a lot of time the last few years in light of our financial uncertainty feeling anxious and afraid of what is around the corner. If I only had back every moment that I spent worrying, I would be rich in life experiences. As always, I learn through my kids...

I have noticed so many changes in my kids lately...new words...new letters written...new skills...the list goes on.

There have been many occasions since my son was born that I've had the desire to pause life. His first smile, his first laugh, his first steps, his first haircut... At each milestone, I would feel myself clinging to the moment and wanting it to last forever. I'd quickly grab a camera to capture the memory.

I am gaining a new perspective. For one, I don't want to miss ANY experiences that God grants me in my life. That means focusing less on how I feel and more on the blessings God has given me.

The fact remains that no camera can fully capture all of the little steps of change in my kids, and to be honest that scares me. I want to remember it ALL! I want to hear their voices at each age and stage in my mind forever. I wonder if we'll have a video highlight reel of our favorite memories in heaven? Hmm, maybe that should go in God's suggestion box.

Those that know my family - know about my dad. He has been suffering from Alzheimer's for many years now. He always greets me with a smile and a slightly blank stare. I realize now that he doesn't know who I am anymore. It saddens me more than I've been able to fully process.

What's struck me this past week has been the conflict in my heart between wanting to save every memory about my kids and the reality that I may too find myself lost in a world on this earth where I won't remember.

God has been gracious and loving to reveal to me that regardless of what this life brings, that I will always have my kids' milestones in my heart. For now, I will take advice from a good friend who told me not to blink! And, I will write and capture as many of these precious steps in their lives so even if I don't remember, I can read them:

- Evy's sweet voice and "f's" for "th's"
- Evy's gigantic hugs when she says "Oh, mommy I love you!"
- The love I see when my kids hug each other
- My sweet Ean beginning to really express his emotions. I love his heart!
- Ean's eyes of excitement during swim lessons when he knows he's accomplished something big
- Evy's excitement when she goes potty
- Ean and Evy singing their blessing each night at dinner
- Praying with my kids each time we get in the car
- Ice cream treats at Brewsters!
- Ean and Evy waving at the door when I get home each day
- Ean playing drum on EVERYTHING and telling me he can't wait to play drums and bells in the band at church
- Salsarita lunch days!
- The first time I held my son and daughter:)

I love you Bug and Chickadee!

The Magic of Disney

I've thought a lot about Disney World lately. Our kids love the Big Mouse. Some of my most amazing memories as a kid involve going for vacation to Disney. Magic Mountain scared my paints off. No matter how many times my uncle told me that it wasn't scary, I was terrified of roller coasters. Still true today - I close my eyes tight and pray I don't get sick on the Veggie Tales roller coaster at Dollywood! Yes, people, the kiddie version.

I remember It's a Small World. The little people singing in all of the costumes. All of a sudden, I felt like I was a little Dutch girl with blonde ponytails. But, my favorite of all was Peter Pan. Come on, who doesn't want to fly through the air like Peter Pan and Tinkerbell?

Then, I went back as an adult. I was in shock. Peter Pan was far from a smooth ride of wonder. It seemed to have lost it's luster, and the little people singing around the world was a wee bit creepy. What happened to the mystery of Disney?

What is it about this place that makes it so magical? Characters mysteriously appear on the streets as if they dropped from a fairy's wand. Mickey and all of his friends are larger than life. Everything is clean, beautiful, and perfect. It's a fairy tell where everything is as it should be.

So, why is real life not a fairy tale? Because we've not finished the story, friends. We're not there yet. The reality is that heaven is the only place where everything will be perfect. In the meantime, we get to walk alongside a Father who loves us so much that He let's painful things happen so His glory will be seen in our response to the circumstances. I don't know about you, but that is pretty darn magical.

The reality is that Disney still holds a magical place in my heart. It sparks imagination. It opens a sense of mystery and wonder in hearts.

My deepest prayer is that as my kids experience life that they carry in their hearts the One that is bigger than the Big Mouse....along with some sweet childhood memories of their own.

A New Season

It's been a wild ride these last few months. Part of me is so excited about Fall (my absolute favorite time of the year), but this year I am especially sad to see summer end. There's only one reason - my kids!


I have been so blessed to spend a lot of time with Ean and Evy over the summer and create many wonderful memories with them. From feeding the ducks to Dollywood getaways to the zoo, it's been an amazing time to see them grow.



Of course for me, insight comes in the way of music. So what better song to summarize my feelings than Summer Lovin' from the movie Grease. Now, it's not so much about my high school flame, but about a little hint of sadness I have that we can't just wake up each morning and ask "What do we want to do today?"

This in and of itself is huge for me. Those who know me well know that I'm a planner. I'm not your spur of the moment gal, but my kids have helped me change.

Most mornings this summer, I've opted to throw my hair in a ponytail and skip my shower so we could embark on our morning adventure. Some mornings it involved a good hour of sitting on my front porch watching Ean and Evy explore in the train (aka wagon) pretending to find monkeys and other wild animals in our yard. Then, to take a few hours to visit Nana, Papaw, the zoo, mall, gym, park, pool, museum, and ice cream shop! Sweet, sweet memories I'm praying will always be with me.

I know time moves on and we all grow up, but oh how desperately I wish I could pause it for a few key moments when...


- Ean kisses Evy and tells her "It's ok baby, you don't have to cry, I'm here."
- Evy waves and blows kisses from the garage window as I leave
- Ean tells me stories like "When I was a baby, I used to fly like a bird."
- Ean reminds me not to flush the potty at the zoo because it's too loud. Really?
- Ean rubs my head when I'm not feeling well and says "Sweet girl"
- Ean asks me each night "Mommy, will you cuddle with me?"
- Evy laughs while chasing her brother around the kitchen
- Ean points out that "Salsarita's is open, mommy" (even at 9am in the morning)
- Ean and Evy greet me at the door and Ean asks "How was your day mommy? How's it going?"
- Ean says "I love you so much"




I have to remind myself that THESE are the moments life is made of....not fancy vacations or expensive toys but good old fashioned quality time with my kids. Priceless.

So, Fall, I welcome you. I'll try not to be sad about saying goodbye to summer because I know that even crunchy leaves, hot chocolate, and jingle bells are going to make some pretty special memories too!

Grace Through the Eyes of my 3 year-old

Do you ever have days where you just can't seem to get it together? You loose the car keys (happens daily in our house). You forget to wash the laundry and now there's no underwear or you hop in the car late for your appointment to discover the gas tank is sitting on empty?

Ah, that feels like my life lately. My eyes have been turned down staring daily at where my feet are taking me. I've been consumed by ever tantrum by everything that just hasn't gone right instead of keeping my eyes focused up on the One with the master plan.

How easy it is to loose hope and take out your frustrations on the ones you love the most. This morning, I was reminded that no matter how far away I feel from God He is never far away from me.

I was running late this morning, and I quickly accused my son of loosing the car keys. Now, this isn't an unusual occurrence in our house. My son loves to play in our cars. It is, indeed, his favorite activity. He can spend hours sitting in the drivers seat listening to the radio, playing with the buttons, locking and unlocking the doors and gleefully running to open the passenger door to give me a "beso" before returning to repeat the fun cycle all over again. He relishes it. His eyes light up and his feet quicken when he knows he can play in "daddy's car." I, on the other hand, would rather do just about anything than sit in the blazing hot car while he flickers the caution lights. But, I know that one day, I'll look back on those moments with yearning to do it all over again. So, for now, I try to enjoy it.

So, when the keys were missing this morning, it wasn't out of the question to assume he took them and lost them somewhere on the premises. I found him in the garage and began expressing my frustration for his loosing them again. I made him leave the garage and go inside. A few minutes later, I discovered them in my purse. Yeah. Gulp. Oh, "Great Organized One" actually misplaced the keys myself. My heart dropped, and I went to him to apologize.

One thing we believe strongly in our parenting is to try to acknowledge our mistakes to our kids so they understand that we all make them, but also so they can experience grace and forgiveness. I sat down beside him and explained my mistake. I asked for his forgiveness. I was sad. Disappointed in myself. As I walked away, he said, "Thank you for apologizing mommy." I said, "I love you Ean" and he replied, "I love you too mommy." Then, I cried.

In a moment, God used my son to speak directly to me....that no matter what I do or how I feel He loves and forgives me. So, today, I am thankful for lost keys. I am thankful for my sweet son, and most of all I am thankful for His grace.

Live Today

As I've spent today quieting my soul and praying for two very important needs, I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for and just how many times the Lord has shown Himself to be faithful in my life. In part, my heart is heavy (yet hopeful) for a friend that is in much need of a miracle today. I know that our Lord can heal - it's a question of if He will do it.

Today, He put on my heart a list of things I'd do if I knew today were my last. I think, in part, He wanted to show me what's deeply hidden inside and also to give me hope for the things I cannot see. If today were my last day . . .

1) I'd spend every minute of it with my family.

2) I would eat ice cream with Ean and relish in his joy and excitement of a "special treat" just with mommy.

3) I'd watch Ean and Evy play in the water and enjoy getting drenched (especially as Ean loves to pour water over her head.)

4) Ean and I would watch as many episodes of Curious George he wanted, and I'd hold him closely as if to never let go.

5) I'd record a message to Evy - telling her about the great love her birth mom had for her and how God led us to her in Ethiopia.

6) I'd go back to the swing that Carlos and I used to sit on when we were dating and just enjoy talking with him while staring at the stars in the sky.

7) Carlos and I would enjoy a raspberry ravioli from Naples. Yum.

8) I would spend time with my dad praying for courage to ask him if he knows Jesus. I'd fearlessly pray with him to receive Christ.

9) I would share with my mom how proud I am of her and all that she has endured in her life. I would finally tell her how thankful I am for all the sacrifices she made for me and how I believe God knew exactly what He was doing by choosing her to be my mom.

10) I would hold my kids with Carlos and pray until the night ends that they would both know the grace, love, and great friendship that our Lord wants to have with them both as they grow old. And, I would ask the Lord one last request...to keep them safe, to protect them, and to guide them down the path of their lives.

Oddly, the Lord has always spoken to me through songs. I don't sing well, and I'm not a musician - but He's always used music to speak to me. I would say, "life just comes out in a song in my heart." So, as I reflect on today, I am reminded of a song. I'm not a huge country fan, but these words seem to sum up today:

"He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'"