"This is for MY Glory". . .

We had a rough evening last night. Ean has been showing agression toward Carlos and I - hitting and kicking. We've tried talking, time-outs, and grabbing his hands - but nothing has worked to stop the hitting. So, we finally reached out to the specialist that monitored him the last two years due to his premature birth. She gave us a few pointers and recommended that we see a behaviorial specialist. Ah - just what I wanted - to be seeing a therapist when my son is only 2 years old! I mean, how much damage could I have caused in 2 years!

I've really struggled with this the last week. I question what I've done to cause him to be so angry and so unwilling to work with us, especially when I see how he responds so positively to others intervention. Does he dislike me that much?

I imagine every working mom goes through times of guilt and regret for the time the miss with their kids. For me, it's been especially hard since I always wanted to be home with Ean. It's only the last few months that it became very clear to our family that we needed to make changes to allow me to at least be home part time in the near future. Lord willing - it will happen someday.

For now, my heart breaks when Ean says "mommy work" when I leave in the mornings. And, when he expects the same thing on Saturday. I reassure him that mommy would be there every day if I could. So, I guess at times like this, I blame myself for his behavior.

Which leads us to last night - the specialist came to our house to observe. Naturally, Ean was in rare form. After 5 ineffective timeouts in the pack-n-play, she asked if she could try an alternative - the dreaded corner! Naturally, we said yes. We want things to change. I, however, had no idea how emotionally draining the process would be. Ean had to stand quietly in the corner with his face toward the wall and hands to his side. He cried, he looked for mommy and daddy, he asked mommy and daddy to come back, he cried "ok" to her commands to obey but nothing stopped the tears. It hurt me so deeply to feel his fear and need of me. But, in the end, after 15 minutes he made it and was allowed to leave the corner.

The goal was accomplished. He accepted his punishment - but it was so painful for all of us!

Which leads me to today, emotionally drained and feeling helpless to help my son accept his punishment. I am led to the cross. As I ran this morning, I praised our Lord for his amazing grace. He already took the punishment for me, and as much as I want to take it for Ean, I know that he has to do this one on his own.

The Lord reminded me today that ALL of this is for His glory. I pray every day with Ean that he will know our Lord as his savior and that those little hands will be gentle and abounding in love for others as he becomes a man.

We will all learn and grow through this, and we will celebrate Him for his Amazing Grace! May this all be for Your Glory, Lord.