Grace Through the Eyes of my 3 year-old

Do you ever have days where you just can't seem to get it together? You loose the car keys (happens daily in our house). You forget to wash the laundry and now there's no underwear or you hop in the car late for your appointment to discover the gas tank is sitting on empty?

Ah, that feels like my life lately. My eyes have been turned down staring daily at where my feet are taking me. I've been consumed by ever tantrum by everything that just hasn't gone right instead of keeping my eyes focused up on the One with the master plan.

How easy it is to loose hope and take out your frustrations on the ones you love the most. This morning, I was reminded that no matter how far away I feel from God He is never far away from me.

I was running late this morning, and I quickly accused my son of loosing the car keys. Now, this isn't an unusual occurrence in our house. My son loves to play in our cars. It is, indeed, his favorite activity. He can spend hours sitting in the drivers seat listening to the radio, playing with the buttons, locking and unlocking the doors and gleefully running to open the passenger door to give me a "beso" before returning to repeat the fun cycle all over again. He relishes it. His eyes light up and his feet quicken when he knows he can play in "daddy's car." I, on the other hand, would rather do just about anything than sit in the blazing hot car while he flickers the caution lights. But, I know that one day, I'll look back on those moments with yearning to do it all over again. So, for now, I try to enjoy it.

So, when the keys were missing this morning, it wasn't out of the question to assume he took them and lost them somewhere on the premises. I found him in the garage and began expressing my frustration for his loosing them again. I made him leave the garage and go inside. A few minutes later, I discovered them in my purse. Yeah. Gulp. Oh, "Great Organized One" actually misplaced the keys myself. My heart dropped, and I went to him to apologize.

One thing we believe strongly in our parenting is to try to acknowledge our mistakes to our kids so they understand that we all make them, but also so they can experience grace and forgiveness. I sat down beside him and explained my mistake. I asked for his forgiveness. I was sad. Disappointed in myself. As I walked away, he said, "Thank you for apologizing mommy." I said, "I love you Ean" and he replied, "I love you too mommy." Then, I cried.

In a moment, God used my son to speak directly to me....that no matter what I do or how I feel He loves and forgives me. So, today, I am thankful for lost keys. I am thankful for my sweet son, and most of all I am thankful for His grace.

Live Today

As I've spent today quieting my soul and praying for two very important needs, I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for and just how many times the Lord has shown Himself to be faithful in my life. In part, my heart is heavy (yet hopeful) for a friend that is in much need of a miracle today. I know that our Lord can heal - it's a question of if He will do it.

Today, He put on my heart a list of things I'd do if I knew today were my last. I think, in part, He wanted to show me what's deeply hidden inside and also to give me hope for the things I cannot see. If today were my last day . . .

1) I'd spend every minute of it with my family.

2) I would eat ice cream with Ean and relish in his joy and excitement of a "special treat" just with mommy.

3) I'd watch Ean and Evy play in the water and enjoy getting drenched (especially as Ean loves to pour water over her head.)

4) Ean and I would watch as many episodes of Curious George he wanted, and I'd hold him closely as if to never let go.

5) I'd record a message to Evy - telling her about the great love her birth mom had for her and how God led us to her in Ethiopia.

6) I'd go back to the swing that Carlos and I used to sit on when we were dating and just enjoy talking with him while staring at the stars in the sky.

7) Carlos and I would enjoy a raspberry ravioli from Naples. Yum.

8) I would spend time with my dad praying for courage to ask him if he knows Jesus. I'd fearlessly pray with him to receive Christ.

9) I would share with my mom how proud I am of her and all that she has endured in her life. I would finally tell her how thankful I am for all the sacrifices she made for me and how I believe God knew exactly what He was doing by choosing her to be my mom.

10) I would hold my kids with Carlos and pray until the night ends that they would both know the grace, love, and great friendship that our Lord wants to have with them both as they grow old. And, I would ask the Lord one last request...to keep them safe, to protect them, and to guide them down the path of their lives.

Oddly, the Lord has always spoken to me through songs. I don't sing well, and I'm not a musician - but He's always used music to speak to me. I would say, "life just comes out in a song in my heart." So, as I reflect on today, I am reminded of a song. I'm not a huge country fan, but these words seem to sum up today:

"He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'"

3 Years Ago Today

Three years ago today my sweet BE (baby Ean) was born. What a day! I had a very stressful pregnancy full of complications and fears, but on May 26, 2008 the Lord decided that our little Ean needed to be born 9 weeks early. At only 3lbs 8oz, he was whisked away to East TN Children's Hospital NICU.

It was a painful journey filled with many ups and downs. I had dreams of bringing home my baby (as we all do), but three days later I went home empty-handed leaving my sweet little boy on a ventilator in the hospital. God, why me?

Fast forward three years. . . I can't answer the question of why he had to endure so much when he first entered this world, but instead I focus (and will share with him as he grows) that our Lord has a special purpose for his life. I really believe my sweet spirited gentle little boy hears His voice even now. That's why we felt called to name him Ean (meaning, the Lord is faithful). What a special story his life is already telling...


So, today, I celebrate his life. I celebrate his laughter, tears, sense of humor, shyness, love for music, stellar memory, picky eating, love of books and Curious George. Today, I rejoice in the blessing God gave me looking into my little boy's eyes all those days in NICU but most of all every day since....Happy 3rd Birthday my son. I love you with all of my heart.

-mommy

Recalculating

I’ve been writing blog post after blog post in my head these last few weeks at random parts of the day. Sometimes they come when I’m sleeping other times when I’m at the gym. I’m sure I’ll never capture ALL that’s been in my heart since it’s taken me so long to get back to it, but I’ll give it a whirl.

To say that life has been just dandy for us after returning from Africa would not be accurate. I really think that people talk very little about how they are REALLY doing and instead smile give the standard “we’re doing great” when asked and move on about their day wondering when the chaos and emotional roller coaster will end.

I really thought that the waiting period of the adoption was the hardest (and I still believe that to be true). It’s so hard to wait day after day for a phone call, an email, some hope that you can piece together yourself a clue into how your child is doing half way around the world. There is no other way to keep your heart still and quiet without the support of others. I can say with gratefulness that I was so encouraged by the adoption community that God blessed me with through our agency and others in our area. They understood my anxiety and the pain of waiting and embraced me with love and mucho prayers!

I guess in my heart I thought that once the missing piece to our family puzzle arrived home (aka Evy) that all would fit together so nicely. Don’t get me wrong, it was a huge relief to have all of the waiting over. I’m not good at waiting. As Carlos says, “there’s always the next thing.” Hmm, thanks for the positivity honey. Really, he’s right. We’re never completely satisfied, whole, content, etc. because there’s only ONE that can fill that hole anyway, right? And, it wasn’t intended to be wrapped up with a nice big red bow this side of Heaven. So, how do I find peace now?

That’s a million dollar question and one I don’t have the answer to. I’ve had to face this head on these last few weeks as we transitioned home. Our lovely family of 4 quickly became a lovely house of utter CHAOS. Evy has adjusted beautifully to our family with the exception of some serious screaming that makes my hair turn gray. Ean has been the one with many outward signs of stress. He started stuttering after we arrived home literally breaking my heart as I knew it was anxiety driven. He has pulled, pushed, hit, and bitten his sweet new sister more times than I can count. I have to admit, I wondered, “What did we get ourselves into?”

This morning I was reminded….as I saw Ean greet his sister after getting out of bed with a huge kiss and hug. Ahh, I’m starting to breathe a sigh of relief now. I’m starting to see that I didn’t ruin either of their lives and that indeed our Lord has a plan for ALL of us. Ahhhh….

So, that leaves me with our job situation. I am working part-time and loving it. I am so blessed with a job that allows me flexibility to follow my “mommy” heart. Some days I wonder if working isn’t easier (I do believe it is) but nonetheless it’s a really great balance for me. But, Carlos is still looking for work so we’ll see where the Lord leads us. He has been so faithful to us, and honestly, we needed to spend all of the time we’ve had these last few weeks building a foundation in our new family mix….both mommy and daddy and a few family members.

I’m pretty amazed at the architecture of relationships with family and friends He’s building around us to help us raise our kids. I’ve prayed for a long time for it, and now I’m seeing His hand at work. From my amazing mom and all of her support to my aunt and other members of our faith community really stepping up to help support us….I have no doubts that what feels like a “recalculation” is really the way it was always intended.

God is good.

A Little Glimpse Into our Adoption Journey

On the Other Side (part 2)

As we approach 2 weeks home, I can say that we are starting to getting into a groove as a new family of 4. Wow, I had no idea how much of a jolt it would be especially for Ean. Granted, we've been very intentional parents with Ean pouring into him as much as we both can, so I can see why it would be a huge loss for him. I can't quite figure out how we do that with two children let alone 18+ like the Duggars! Ha.

Evy is doing really great overall. She sleeps 12+ hours each night plus a regular daytime nap. It's as if she fell right into a schedule with us. I honestly can't see signs of her being adopted at this stage. She was clearly well loved and cared for in Ethiopia which is huge. She has attached great with both Carlos and I, and she knows when we're not around! She is content playing alone and takes an occasional "love pat" from her big brother...but she jumps up and goes back for more! Tough girl. Honestly, she seems to have blended in with our family as well as I would have expected. It's been more of an adjustment for us accepting her in our routines.

I've not had a lot of time to fully reflect on all of our trip. There were for sure many ups and downs and to be very honest I'm glad it's behind us. One thing I know for certain is that God is using this little girl and our journey in the lives of many. I'm always surprised and extremely blessed when I receive feedback from others about how following our story has impacted their lives. This was never our story but His to tell. You can really see it in Evy's eyes. He's given her a life and a spark that draws people in which has been so beautiful to watch unfold.

I feel like I'm a character in an unwritten story...excited to flip the page to see what's next. For those that know me, you know that's a big change. I'm your typical Type A planner, want to be in control, want to know what's coming next, you know the one, right? Now, I am happily unaware of what tomorrow brings, and I'm genuinely at peace. I have no idea what's ahead for our family, but I know the One that does...and finally, I'm able to relax and enjoy the ride. One thing I know for certain, when he puts these little ones in your heart He Will Provide.


Take a seat and buckle up for the ride....

On the Other Side (part 1)

We're finally home from our long journey to bring Evy home. Wow, so much to process before I can share fully all that God is doing in my heart. I wish I could say it was all joy and happiness, but there have certainly been a lot of moments of apprehension.

Evy did great after a few days with us in Ethiopia. The first day was rough. She cried a lot leaving her nannies at the Care Center (which is normal), but it was stressful with her crying non stop. Thankfully, she has now adjusted well to both Carlos and I which really helps us manage two kids!

Ean on the other hand is having a really hard time. There are likely a lot of factors.... On our return trip, Ean was very ill. He began vomitting around noon the day we returned to the U.S. so badly that we took him to a Korean hospital in Addis. Yeah, a little odd to go to a Korean hospital in Africa, but nontheless, we were thankful. They sent a translator with us which helped. Otherwise, we would have been lost for days in the chaotic process of seeing a doctor. I felt more at peace once we discovered it was a Christian run facility (I guess in my mind I had pictured an old man hovering over a fire pit chanting). Ha!

Ean was doing well all afternoon until he started getting sick at the airport again. After we were in the air, the crew became increasingly concerned and arranged for a Dr. to come on board when we stopped in Sudan to refuel. All I could do was cry. I wanted to be there for Ean, but I was holding our new daughter and knew that we had to continue on with her even if they required Ean to stay there with his dad. Truly heartbreaking.

Thankfully, he was cleared to leave Sudan as long as he was checked at the airport hospital in Amsterdam. The angels must have heard our cries because by the time we arrived in Amsterdam he was doing much better. Praise God. We were able to continue on with our flights and get home as scheduled.

I am so glad we're home, and that this part of the journey is behind us. Now, we face the transition of Evy into our family. I guess this is the part of adoption journey that people don't talk much about. I mean, we all want to do something to change a child's life, or we wouldn't pursue it. My heart still has moments of uncertainty as I watch Ean struggle to adapt to a new sister. He pushes, hits, and pinches. Yikes. I feel more like a referee than a parent right now. But, somehow I know that the Lord has a plan, and we will all grow through this experience.

For now, I feel a bit like a mix of neopolitan ice-cream...a little bit of happy, a little bit of sad, and mostly clingly on to the ONE I know has the plan.