How would I live today if I knew there was no tomorrow?

When I think about how I'd live today if I knew there were no tomorrow, I'd spend the entire day laughing and playing with my family, which prompted me to capture some really fun moments we've had lately...

- Ean's new favorite thing to say when you change his diaper is "change diaper,powder fresh!"

- As we're trying to teach Ean to go to the potty, we've been using Elmo to encourage him since we have this really great "Elmo Potty" book. Only problem, he tells us every time we change him..."Elmo, no diaper - Elmo potty" ha!

- Ean came up to me last night with an unusual silence and said "potty water." He then showed me his dripping wet hand. Oh my!

- I love how Ean now says "Please, mommy" when he wants something. I wish I could record and keep it forever. I think I will!

- I taught Ean the MICKEY MOUSE song one day and we decided to download from itunes. Now, he says "Mickey Song - march!" since we march together around the kitchen every time it comes on.

- I love to watch Ean and his dad run around the kitchen. We fondly refer to Ean as "Forest" since he keeps saying "run, run" with nowhere to really go:)

- Ean loves throwing the ball now - only problem is he doesn't understand that he needs a bit more than 5 inches from you to do so...ouch!

- We have a cat door on the door leading to our garage (but of course no cat!). I love it when I drive in I'm surprised by a hand coming out at me and Ean laughing and yelling "Mommy!"

- One of my most favorite things is dinner time. We started the tradition of both Carlos and I holding Ean's hands as we pray. One night we forgot, and he reached for our hands to remind us. Sweet, sweet Ean.

- When I take Ean for his bath at night, he loves to run to his room and pull out a pacifier that I have put away from his time in NICU. He sucks it and says "Baby sister." I told him once we'd let her use it when she comes home to us from Africa.

We really do have so many things to be thankful for in our family. So, next time I have doubts about God's plan or what makes today special from the next, I will remember all these great moments on my list.

"This is for MY Glory". . .

We had a rough evening last night. Ean has been showing agression toward Carlos and I - hitting and kicking. We've tried talking, time-outs, and grabbing his hands - but nothing has worked to stop the hitting. So, we finally reached out to the specialist that monitored him the last two years due to his premature birth. She gave us a few pointers and recommended that we see a behaviorial specialist. Ah - just what I wanted - to be seeing a therapist when my son is only 2 years old! I mean, how much damage could I have caused in 2 years!

I've really struggled with this the last week. I question what I've done to cause him to be so angry and so unwilling to work with us, especially when I see how he responds so positively to others intervention. Does he dislike me that much?

I imagine every working mom goes through times of guilt and regret for the time the miss with their kids. For me, it's been especially hard since I always wanted to be home with Ean. It's only the last few months that it became very clear to our family that we needed to make changes to allow me to at least be home part time in the near future. Lord willing - it will happen someday.

For now, my heart breaks when Ean says "mommy work" when I leave in the mornings. And, when he expects the same thing on Saturday. I reassure him that mommy would be there every day if I could. So, I guess at times like this, I blame myself for his behavior.

Which leads us to last night - the specialist came to our house to observe. Naturally, Ean was in rare form. After 5 ineffective timeouts in the pack-n-play, she asked if she could try an alternative - the dreaded corner! Naturally, we said yes. We want things to change. I, however, had no idea how emotionally draining the process would be. Ean had to stand quietly in the corner with his face toward the wall and hands to his side. He cried, he looked for mommy and daddy, he asked mommy and daddy to come back, he cried "ok" to her commands to obey but nothing stopped the tears. It hurt me so deeply to feel his fear and need of me. But, in the end, after 15 minutes he made it and was allowed to leave the corner.

The goal was accomplished. He accepted his punishment - but it was so painful for all of us!

Which leads me to today, emotionally drained and feeling helpless to help my son accept his punishment. I am led to the cross. As I ran this morning, I praised our Lord for his amazing grace. He already took the punishment for me, and as much as I want to take it for Ean, I know that he has to do this one on his own.

The Lord reminded me today that ALL of this is for His glory. I pray every day with Ean that he will know our Lord as his savior and that those little hands will be gentle and abounding in love for others as he becomes a man.

We will all learn and grow through this, and we will celebrate Him for his Amazing Grace! May this all be for Your Glory, Lord.

Climbing the Roller Coaster

Today started out like the wait in line for a roller coaster. You're optimistic that you won't get sick and that in the end you'll be glad you did it. Yet, as you're climbing on the coaster, you realize this was a grave mistake. The fear sets in and there's no convincing yourself that this was a good idea.

I have a hard time overcoming fear some days, even though I know Christ has overcome it for me. My day didn't start off well. I had a bad attitude with the receptionist at the doctor office when she said they couldn't process insurance without my card. Since I just started with a new company, I didn't have my card! It continued down hill from there until we finally left the office without the immunizations we needed to complete for our upcoming adoption travel. Needless to say, I was not happy. I also discovered that the gas tank was near empty - it appears the gas fairy didn't refill it when he drove yesterday. Ugh!

So, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I think in part due to the fears I was feeling before bedtime last night. I didn't have time to adequately process them with the Lord. But, thankfully He has time for me! Oh, how often I fail in this journey and yet He is there with open arms to accept me just as I am and to love me in spite of it.

I realized that as I read a note from our adoption agency this morning. We've been concerned with recent news that we might be delayed many months traveling to pick up our daughter. It deeply saddens me to think of her sitting any longer than necessary in an orphanage because of bureaucracies in the U.S. Embassy. Now, it sounds like that may not be the case. And, to top it off - we're #3! One step closer to seeing her face. Oh, how much I long to see her.

Thank you for your faithfulness Lord....great are your mercies every day!

#4

I realized this morning that I neglected to post since we found out we're now #4 on the wait list! I must say the reality that any day we will receive a call about our daughter is thrilling. I'm in awe of God's plan.

Over the last few weeks He's been bringing us new community, specifically Africans from the university. Imagine that:) This past weekend we had a student from Ghana and a couple from Ethiopia over for dinner. It was so neat to hear about the different cultures and to discover that all will be here for at least 3 more years - what an amazing blessing for our daughter to have community from her country! To top if off, the Ethipian couple are expecting their first child so we should have a lot of new experiences together.

Just a few years ago, we went through a similar season where the Lord brought us several Europeans (through Carlos' work). We shared a lot of time together learning about culturally differences and just becomming friends. We were very sad when they returned back home.

Now, not only has God given us new international community but from the very country He's put on our hearts. I'm so excited to see what He does next. For now, I continue to pray for our daughter, for her family, and for a speedy process so she is not left in the orphanage for long. I know that our Lord loves her and wants the best for her so he will unite us in His perfect timing.